Friday, May 10, 2013

Top 5 Awkward Times I’ve Quoted ‘Caddyshack’

5. When asked if I knew what the pastries were at a work breakfast meeting, I replied, “A donut with no hole is a danish.”  *everyone in the buffet line looked at me like they suddenly realized I didn’t speak English

4. When asked, “Does your family belong to a country club?” I replied, “Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.”  The person answered, “I’ve never heard of Bushwood.”  I said, “I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish.” *pretty sure that person thinks I’m an anti-Semite

3. When asked by a date what I would like to order, I said “I want a hamburger… no, a cheeseburger.”  He said, “I don’t think they serve burgers here.” *face palm

2. The orthopedic surgeon rattled off the full extent of my break and said I would probably need multiple surgeries and years of physical therapy to walk properly.  I said, “So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”  She said, “No, it will be painful and difficult.”  *wanted to reply, “Usin’ the whole fist, doc?” but I didn’t because “crossing the streams would be bad. Right, Egon?”

1. A first date asked what my hobbies were.  I said, “I enjoy...skinny-skiing...going to bullfights on acid…” He immediately declared we had nothing in common because he refused to be associated with drugs and launched into a lecture on rehab and religion.  *caught a cab home and I’m pretty sure he still thinks I have a drug problem