Top 5 Awkward Times I’ve Quoted ‘Caddyshack’

5. When asked if I knew what the pastries were at a work breakfast meeting, I replied, “A donut with no hole is a danish.”  *everyone in the buffet line looked at me like they suddenly realized I didn’t speak English

4. When asked, “Does your family belong to a country club?” I replied, “Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.”  The person answered, “I’ve never heard of Bushwood.”  I said, “I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish.” *pretty sure that person thinks I’m an anti-Semite

3. When asked by a date what I would like to order, I said “I want a hamburger… no, a cheeseburger.”  He said, “I don’t think they serve burgers here.” *face palm

2. The orthopedic surgeon rattled off the full extent of my break and said I would probably need multiple surgeries and years of physical therapy to walk properly.  I said, “So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”  She said, “No, it will be painful and difficult.”  *wanted to reply, “Usin’ the whole fist, doc?” but I didn’t because “crossing the streams would be bad. Right, Egon?”

1. A first date asked what my hobbies were.  I said, “I enjoy...skinny-skiing...going to bullfights on acid…” He immediately declared we had nothing in common because he refused to be associated with drugs and launched into a lecture on rehab and religion.  *caught a cab home and I’m pretty sure he still thinks I have a drug problem

Recipe: Saturday Night on the New Deck

This Saturday, I plan to wow the World's Most Awesome In-Laws with an authentic steakhouse meal that I've prepared many times to the shock and amazement of non-Vegans everywhere:

Steakhouse Chopped Salad
Steakhouse Baked Potatoes

Steakhouse Creamed Spinach

Grilled or Broiled Tenderloin Steaks
Cheesecake
Vegan Ice Cream (store-bought)
Fresh Strawberries
Coffee
Steakhouse Chopped Salad

The key to a steakhouse chopped salad is maximum crunch, lots of ingredients that drown any pretense of health, and everything chopped just this side of purée.

So that each person can select what they want and in what quantity, chop all of the ingredients separately, set them out as a build-your-own buffet, and put out two mixing bowls (one vegan, one non-vegan) for tossing the ingredients together with 2T-¼ cup of my homemade "ranch" dressing.

Salad Bar: (per person)

1 large boneless skinless chicken breast, baked and chopped in ½ -1" pieces

2 gardein Chick'n scallopini, prepared according to package, chopped in ½ -1" pieces

1-2 hearts of romaine, chopped in ½ -1" pieces

2 cucumbers, peeled, seeded and diced into ¼ - ½" pieces

½ small bunch of green onions, diced into ¼" pieces

½ Hass avocado, diced into ½" pieces

8-10 grape tomatoes, diced small

3-4 T Real Bacon Bits

3-4 T Bac-Os

You could also add:

1 hardboiled egg, diced

Crumbled blue cheese


"Ranch" Dressing:

1 cup lowfat plain kefir OR plain soy yogurt thinned with a little unsweetened soy milk

3T Tofutti Cream Supreme mixed with plain soy milk

2 T dried parsley

2 T dried dill

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp garlic powder


Steakhouse Baked Potatoes

Pour olive oil to cover the bottom of a pie plate and with large granule sea salt (freshly-crushed black pepper and garlic powder optional). Roll Yukon Gold potatoes (1-2 potatoes/person) to coat the skins in the oil and pierce them with the salt, then bake as you would a regular baked potato. Serve with real/vegan sour cream and butter, but they're honestly good enough to eat without!


Steakhouse Creamed Spinach

Spinach at a steakhouse is smothered in cream. To about 1 cup of plain soy creamer, add ¼ - ½ tsp grated nutmeg and ¼ - ½ finely chopped white onion... depending on how strong the onions are, I'll add just a dash of garlic powder. Heat the mixture, but do not boil. Mix with one prepared package of frozen spinach (the kind in the box). Put in an oven-safe baking dish and cover with vegan shredded mozzarella cheese. Place under the broiler until cheese is melted and slightly browned (can go in with the steaks).

Grilled or Broiled Tenderloin Steaks

If serving non-vegans, use the rest to coat the tenderloin steaks (6-8 oz./person) before throwing them on the grill. Hand them off to your designated carnivore for grilling and they'll come back with a steakhouse-worthy crispy crust that seals in juices. It's important to ensure this lean cut stays tender... and not just because vegans rarely have steak knives ;)

Cheesecake, Vegan Ice Cream, Strawberries and Coffee

The only possible authentic steakhouse dessert is cheesecake- I like to serve New York style with strawberries and coffee. *Please* let me know if you find a passable vegan version of cheesecake!!!

Since vegans can only have the strawberries and coffee, I always serve vegan ice cream. Vanilla sprinkled with cinnamon is perfect!

Recipe: Banana Oatmeal Crisp

The holiday season brings with it brunch events and breakfast with family while opening presents under a big tree. This easy recipe is the perfect vegan-friendly item for your buffet as well as a healthy (well, healthier) replacement for the obligatory high fat donuts and coffeecakes. Just be sure to make enough for everyone!

This recipe is also ideal for those whose New Years’ resolution will be to eat breakfast during the week. You can prepare it the night before and refrigerate it, then reheat for approx. 5 minutes.
Mise en Place:

1½ c quick-cooking oats (or 4 packets of instant oatmeal- any flavor is OK)

½ c all-purpose flour

1 tsp baking powder

½ tsp ground cinnamon

½ tsp salt

½ vegan brown sugar (or ½ vegan sugar mixed with ½ T molasses)

¼c vegan margarine, softened

1 banana, mashed

{we never manage to get a picture of this- we can barely wait for the


baking dish to get all the way out of the oven before we start eating it}


Preheat oven to 350˚F.

In a large bowl, stir together oats, flour, baking powder, cinnamon and salt.

In a small bowl, cream together brown sugar and margarine with a dinner fork, then add mashed banana. It’s OK if the banana is a bit chunky.

Add the brown sugar, margarine and banana mixture to the dry ingredients (this is key if you don’t want flour and oatmeal all over the place) and stir with a dinner fork until just blended.

Press the mixture into a greased 9X9” glass baking dish.

Bake 30 minutes at 350˚F, until knife inserted comes out clean.

Allow to cool slightly before cutting (if you can wait that long).

Why I'm a Lousy Vegan #62

Milika:  "...one of my kids brought me a Spider-Man band-aid..."

Me: (thinking) "...I'm a lousy vegan.  I have Band-Aids that look like bacon strips..."

The Following Conversation Actually Took Place...

Jess:  "...and he's bringing me deer sticks.  He's going hunting tomorrow for the season opener.  Oh, I probably shouldn't tell you that since you're a vegan."

Me: "Oh, please. I'm on a strict diet. It's not like I'm doing it for the merit badge."

(I feel compelled to point out some embrace the logic that deer are also vegan, so anything related to deer must be OK.)

The following conversation actually took place...

Husband:  "He asked what my favorite red was."

Me: "Did you say 'Killian's?'"

Husband:  "That would have been good.  What's your favorite red?"

Me: "Johnnie Walker."

Bathroom Project

Before...

Actually, in the true before that was too awful to document:

the window sported black plastic blinds,

brass-framed shower doors graced the tub area,

a tiny medicine cabinet mirror was hung over the sink at the perfect height for NO ONE,

a black-lacquered shelf extended from the sink over the toilet to the wall to provide a spot to set your toothbrush (blech!),

and the pièce de résistance... {drum roll}

the walls, sink and bathtub were painted off white. Mind you, the sink and tub were not refinished. Noooo. You could see the do-it-yourself brush strokes.

My then-bachelor husband immediately pitched the blinds and crusty shower doors.

A few years ago, we replaced the smallest medicine cabinet/mirror in the world with a mirror extending along that entire wall and two 45° mirrored cabinets on each side. We also added a larger light fixture and painted the walls a pale, creamy yellow to match the accent tiles. 

Fueled by many frustrating work days, I gradually scraped the paint off the bathtub, but there are a few stubborn spots by the drain that I'll have professionally removed. As you can see, the paint in the sink was a bit more difficult to remove so the sink and I have come to an understanding (see below).

This week, while the cat's away, I'll be sanding, priming, and painting all of the trim a nice, easy-to-clean white.

Next up, the wall mount sink will be replaced with a nice pedestal sink, providing ample edge space to set a toothbrush or razor.

The sink was my Christmas present. Yes, I asked for a gift that goes against basis when we sell.  I'm that girl.