Bourbon French Toast

1. • 8 large eggs
   • 1 1/4 cup half and half
   • 1/2 cup bourbon (I used Buffalo Trace)
   • 3 tablespoons sugar
   • 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
   • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (I used bourbon barrel aged vanilla)
   • 1 loaf 3/4-inch-thick French bread slices (I used Trader Joe's Sliced French Brioche)
2. • 8 tablespoons (1 stick) butter (I used unsalted Kerrygold)
   • Powdered sugar
   • Warm maple syrup
   • Maple Bourbon Cream Cheese 
   • Bourbon Maple Bacon Compound Butter
3. Whisk together eggs, half and half, bourbon, sugar, ground cinnamon, and vanilla in a large bowl. Dip each bread slice into the egg mixture and stack in a 13x9x2-inch baking dish and a an 8-inch square baking dish. Pour remaining egg mixture evenly over bread. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
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5. Place a large baking dish in a 250F oven. Melt approx. 2 tablespoons butter in a heavy large skillet over medium heat. Add four bread slices to skillet and saute until cooked through and browned, about 3 minutes per side. Place in the baking dish in the oven to keep warm. Repeat cooking until the loaf is done. 
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7. Serve with powdered sugar, warm maple syrup, Maple Bourbon Cream Cheese, and Maple Bacon Bourbon Butter.

Shotcakes

1 chocolate cake box mix that calls for water (I used Pamela's Chocolate Cake mix)
1 container of pre-made buttercream frosting
Bourbon, rum or brandy

Vegan Option:
1 vegan chocolate cake box mix that calls for water
1/2 batch of Vegan Bourbon Maple Cream Cheese
Bourbon, rum or brandy

Make the cake mix according to the package instructions, BUT substitute booze for half to all of the water. Bake as cupcakes.

Non-Vegan: Dump the buttercream in a bowl and hand stir in 1/2-3/4 cup of booze. Allow to sit in the refrigerator or overnight (not necessary of you're having a really bad day).

Pipe the buttercream or bourbon maple cream cheese onto the cooled cupcakes (or spread the frosting on a warm cupcake with a butter knife if you're having a really bad day- function over form).

*Optional: Top with seasonal sprinkles and a freshly-toasted pecan.

If making gluten-free, be sure to check the ingredients on the frosting!

Maple Bourbon Cream Cheese

2 8-oz packages of cream cheese (room temperature)
6 tablespoons of brown sugar
4 tablespoons of real maple syrup
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla (I used bourbon barrel aged vanilla)
3 teaspoons bourbon (I used Buffalo Trace)

Vegan Version:
2 8-oz packages of vegan cream cheese (room temperature)
6 tablespoons of brown sugar
4 tablespoons of real maple syrup
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla (I used bourbon barrel aged vanilla)
3 teaspoons bourbon (I used Buffalo Trace)

Place ingredients in a mixing bowl large enough to allow you to dunk your head in and combine using a hand mixer. Lick the beaters.

*Optional: add chopped pecans

Serve as frosting on a spice or carrot cake, as a dip with pretzels, as a spread for bagels, or dunk your face in the bowl. Eat before the expiration date on the cream cheese package (as if you wouldn't?).

Bourbon Maple Bacon Compound Butter

1/2-3/4 cup of crumbled bacon (I used Hormel Real Bacon Crumbles)

1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature

1 tablespoon bourbon (I used Buffalo Trace)

1 tablespoon pure maple syrup

1 teaspoon brown sugar

Pinch of Kosher salt (optional)

Vegan Version:

1/2-3/4 cup of Bacon Bits (I used Bac-O's)

1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted margarine, room temperature (I used Earth Balance)

1 tablespoon bourbon (I used Buffalo Trace)

1 tablespoon pure maple syrup

1 teaspoon brown sugar

Pinch of Kosher salt (optional)

Place all the ingredients in a pie plate. Mash with a fork until well combined. Place the mixture on a piece of plastic wrap and roll into a cylinder, twisting the ends (OR plunk it in a seal-able container). Chill until solid. Butter will keep refrigerated for up to 2 weeks or frozen for up to 3 months... if it lasts that long, you should examine your life choices.

Serve with warm bread, on a grilled portobello mushroom cap or on freshly-cooked steak.

*The idea for this recipe came from The Bon Appetit Test Kitchen, but they actually expected us to cook the bacon. In fact, half the recipe was how to cook bacon. And they only used one slice, which is unacceptable.

Top 5 Awkward Times I’ve Quoted ‘Caddyshack’

5. When asked if I knew what the pastries were at a work breakfast meeting, I replied, “A donut with no hole is a danish.”  *everyone in the buffet line looked at me like they suddenly realized I didn’t speak English

4. When asked, “Does your family belong to a country club?” I replied, “Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.”  The person answered, “I’ve never heard of Bushwood.”  I said, “I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish.” *pretty sure that person thinks I’m an anti-Semite

3. When asked by a date what I would like to order, I said “I want a hamburger… no, a cheeseburger.”  He said, “I don’t think they serve burgers here.” *face palm

2. The orthopedic surgeon rattled off the full extent of my break and said I would probably need multiple surgeries and years of physical therapy to walk properly.  I said, “So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”  She said, “No, it will be painful and difficult.”  *wanted to reply, “Usin’ the whole fist, doc?” but I didn’t because “crossing the streams would be bad. Right, Egon?”

1. A first date asked what my hobbies were.  I said, “I enjoy...skinny-skiing...going to bullfights on acid…” He immediately declared we had nothing in common because he refused to be associated with drugs and launched into a lecture on rehab and religion.  *caught a cab home and I’m pretty sure he still thinks I have a drug problem

Recipe: Quasi-Niçoise

Baby Red Potatoes, sliced into 1" pieces, steamed
Fresh Green Beans, cut into 2" pieces, steamed
Capers, drained
Olive Oil
Kalamata Olives
Dijon Mustard (I love Kopps for this)
1 tsp Thyme, freshly chopped
Freshly Ground Black Pepper
French gray sea salt *optional
1 clove Minced Garlic *optional

Using a wire whisk, combine the olive oil and dijon mustard, then add the thyme and garlic.

In a large bowl, combine the olives, capers, potatoes and green beans.  Toss with the olive oil-mustard mix and season with freshly ground black pepper. 

Must It Come to This?

Following college, I gained weight much as I suspect everyone does.  Since walking to classes and hitting the dance floor around closing time had been my sole forms of exercise, the pounds slowly crept on as I travelled constantly for work.  Who ever thought I'd tire of endless restaurant meals and free hotel cable?

By hitting the gym a couple mornings a week and paring down my diet, I was back to my ol' fighting weight in no time.  Seriously, the food journal I kept at the time lists dinosaur vitamins as my supplements (recorded by amount and color, of course) and every weekend records an accurate count of how many calories I drank in beer.  It also had this great column for you to record why you ate- let's just say "bar time" was listed more than once.

Eventually, old age crept up on me and I could no longer rebound so easily from the hangovers.  (It's much more difficult to nurse a hangover when you have stuff to do.)  I added actual food back into the rotation to make up for the lost liquor calories, but stayed slim and trim.

Then I started dating my awesome husband.  Dinner would start with drinks and appetizers, move on to a full main course and finish with desserts.  Movies required soda and candy.  Being of German heritage, I guess I expected weight gain to make me look like a cue ball with legs.  My stomach kept getting bigger and bigger while the rest of me stayed thin.  You can guess where this is going... two highly-invasive abdominal surgeries later and I was declared healthy-ish.

The surgeries gave me two things: no more extra stuff to blame (at least for now) and the perfect excuse to never, ever, ever even think about doing a crunch ever again.

Then I quit smoking.  And discovered sugar.  And learned to cook so I could make everything exactly how I wanted it.  And learned to bake so I could make as much as I wanted.  (A friend asked me, "What's the difference between learning to cook and learning to bake?"  The answer is about 30 pounds.)

Recipe: Saturday Night on the New Deck

This Saturday, I plan to wow the World's Most Awesome In-Laws with an authentic steakhouse meal that I've prepared many times to the shock and amazement of non-Vegans everywhere:

Steakhouse Chopped Salad
Steakhouse Baked Potatoes

Steakhouse Creamed Spinach

Grilled or Broiled Tenderloin Steaks
Cheesecake
Vegan Ice Cream (store-bought)
Fresh Strawberries
Coffee
Steakhouse Chopped Salad

The key to a steakhouse chopped salad is maximum crunch, lots of ingredients that drown any pretense of health, and everything chopped just this side of purée.

So that each person can select what they want and in what quantity, chop all of the ingredients separately, set them out as a build-your-own buffet, and put out two mixing bowls (one vegan, one non-vegan) for tossing the ingredients together with 2T-¼ cup of my homemade "ranch" dressing.

Salad Bar: (per person)

1 large boneless skinless chicken breast, baked and chopped in ½ -1" pieces

2 gardein Chick'n scallopini, prepared according to package, chopped in ½ -1" pieces

1-2 hearts of romaine, chopped in ½ -1" pieces

2 cucumbers, peeled, seeded and diced into ¼ - ½" pieces

½ small bunch of green onions, diced into ¼" pieces

½ Hass avocado, diced into ½" pieces

8-10 grape tomatoes, diced small

3-4 T Real Bacon Bits

3-4 T Bac-Os

You could also add:

1 hardboiled egg, diced

Crumbled blue cheese


"Ranch" Dressing:

1 cup lowfat plain kefir OR plain soy yogurt thinned with a little unsweetened soy milk

3T Tofutti Cream Supreme mixed with plain soy milk

2 T dried parsley

2 T dried dill

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp garlic powder


Steakhouse Baked Potatoes

Pour olive oil to cover the bottom of a pie plate and with large granule sea salt (freshly-crushed black pepper and garlic powder optional). Roll Yukon Gold potatoes (1-2 potatoes/person) to coat the skins in the oil and pierce them with the salt, then bake as you would a regular baked potato. Serve with real/vegan sour cream and butter, but they're honestly good enough to eat without!


Steakhouse Creamed Spinach

Spinach at a steakhouse is smothered in cream. To about 1 cup of plain soy creamer, add ¼ - ½ tsp grated nutmeg and ¼ - ½ finely chopped white onion... depending on how strong the onions are, I'll add just a dash of garlic powder. Heat the mixture, but do not boil. Mix with one prepared package of frozen spinach (the kind in the box). Put in an oven-safe baking dish and cover with vegan shredded mozzarella cheese. Place under the broiler until cheese is melted and slightly browned (can go in with the steaks).

Grilled or Broiled Tenderloin Steaks

If serving non-vegans, use the rest to coat the tenderloin steaks (6-8 oz./person) before throwing them on the grill. Hand them off to your designated carnivore for grilling and they'll come back with a steakhouse-worthy crispy crust that seals in juices. It's important to ensure this lean cut stays tender... and not just because vegans rarely have steak knives ;)

Cheesecake, Vegan Ice Cream, Strawberries and Coffee

The only possible authentic steakhouse dessert is cheesecake- I like to serve New York style with strawberries and coffee. *Please* let me know if you find a passable vegan version of cheesecake!!!

Since vegans can only have the strawberries and coffee, I always serve vegan ice cream. Vanilla sprinkled with cinnamon is perfect!

Recipe: Banana Oatmeal Crisp

The holiday season brings with it brunch events and breakfast with family while opening presents under a big tree. This easy recipe is the perfect vegan-friendly item for your buffet as well as a healthy (well, healthier) replacement for the obligatory high fat donuts and coffeecakes. Just be sure to make enough for everyone!

This recipe is also ideal for those whose New Years’ resolution will be to eat breakfast during the week. You can prepare it the night before and refrigerate it, then reheat for approx. 5 minutes.
Mise en Place:

1½ c quick-cooking oats (or 4 packets of instant oatmeal- any flavor is OK)

½ c all-purpose flour

1 tsp baking powder

½ tsp ground cinnamon

½ tsp salt

½ vegan brown sugar (or ½ vegan sugar mixed with ½ T molasses)

¼c vegan margarine, softened

1 banana, mashed

{we never manage to get a picture of this- we can barely wait for the


baking dish to get all the way out of the oven before we start eating it}


Preheat oven to 350˚F.

In a large bowl, stir together oats, flour, baking powder, cinnamon and salt.

In a small bowl, cream together brown sugar and margarine with a dinner fork, then add mashed banana. It’s OK if the banana is a bit chunky.

Add the brown sugar, margarine and banana mixture to the dry ingredients (this is key if you don’t want flour and oatmeal all over the place) and stir with a dinner fork until just blended.

Press the mixture into a greased 9X9” glass baking dish.

Bake 30 minutes at 350˚F, until knife inserted comes out clean.

Allow to cool slightly before cutting (if you can wait that long).

Reason # 8,000,062 Why I'm a Bad Vegan:

In the process of mowing our severely (because I hadn't cleaned up after the Strider in a while and then we went on vacation for a week) yard, my husband killed three baby bunnies.  Today, the fourth

Why I'm a Lousy Vegan #62

Milika:  "...one of my kids brought me a Spider-Man band-aid..."

Me: (thinking) "...I'm a lousy vegan.  I have Band-Aids that look like bacon strips..."

The Following Conversation Actually Took Place...

Jess:  "...and he's bringing me deer sticks.  He's going hunting tomorrow for the season opener.  Oh, I probably shouldn't tell you that since you're a vegan."

Me: "Oh, please. I'm on a strict diet. It's not like I'm doing it for the merit badge."

(I feel compelled to point out some embrace the logic that deer are also vegan, so anything related to deer must be OK.)

Recipe: Baked Ziti

Making a sad-looking little salad for yourself and a creamy, cheesy meal for everyone else is the ultimate unavoidable temptation for most would-be dieters. 

Low-fat vegan dieters following the McDougall Plan or Dr. Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live diet are really up for a challenge.  How can you not feel sorry for yourself and justify "just a little taste" when you're grilling a juicy New York strip for another person and a freezer-burned Boca burger for yourself?

I'm going to start sharing all my tasty recipes that make a healthy, diet-friendly meal for me, then use the same ingredients- plus a few extras- to make a normal but healthy meal for my darling husband. 

Starting with tonight!

Look Out, World

I really don't understand the group brainwashing of American women.  Ask them if they'd like to be thin and every single one will say, "yes."  Ask them if they'd like to lose weight and the overwhelming majority will deliver some  I'm-OK-you're-OK bullshit that rapidly devolves into model bashing and undeniably insane rationalizations.  Of course, that's after they've ripped your head off an chucked it down the street for suggesting they need to lose weight.

In the past when I've said I needed to lose weight, people dismissed my comments at best or flat-out told me I'm crazy at worst.

135 and Size 4/6:

After a twenty-pound weight gain with my first few desk jobs, I worked out and dieted my way down ten pounds to 135.  Friends and family insisted I wasn't eating enough and still reference that weight today as "the time I was too thin." 

When I pointed out that I was in the normal range for my BMI (22.5 in a range of 18.5–24.9), I listened to how BMI is a useless indicator and how it's all about how you feel.  When I said I felt great, the conversation just went back to negative comments about how thin I looked.

Looking at pictures from that time, I looked healthy and normal.  The people around me were the ones with the weight problems.

I was constantly hounded by snotty and unsolicited comments from acquaintances and strangers about "how ridiculously thin" I was, even when there were thinner people around.  It was like the fat kid club had voted to make me the target of their angst.  At 135.  That's pounds, people.  I was hardly heroin chic, even for dairy-loving Wisconsin.

For all we hear about discrimination against fat people, I can't believe the mean, hurtful, spiteful things people will say to a thin person: 

"Some people are just naturally thin."

There was nothing "natural" about it.  I worked out three times a week, walked to and from work whenever the weather allowed, walked every errand except grocery shopping, and ate small, healthy meals. 

Don't dismiss my efforts to get thin and stay thin.

Would you walk up to me today and say, "Some people are just naturally fat?"

"Some people can just eat anything."

All people can eat anything.  I didn't eat high fat, high calorie crap and expect to stay thin.  Not a one.  The world/genetics/McDonalds is not conspiring against fat people.  They are making their own choices and choosing with every bite a junk food to be fat, no matter what they're telling themselves. 

Don't dismiss my efforts to avoid eating junk eliminate.

Would you walk up to me today and say, "Some people just eat anything?"

"I could be thin, too, if I starved myself."

I limited portion sizes for everything, especially any junk food.  I still ate burgers and fries, just not every day or even every week.

Don't dismiss my health-conscious efforts to stay thin as an eating disorder. 

Would you walk up to me today and say, "I could be fat, too, if I ate like you?"

145 and Size 6/8:

At 145, I had a BMI of 24.1 and felt like I needed to drop 10 pounds.  I was dating the world's greatest foodie and eating every other meal on the go.  The need to drop 10 pounds wasn't enough of an incentive to change my ways.  Plus, most people stopped making snotty comments so I felt emotionally normal even if I felt physically chubby.  I still listened to constant comments about how thin I was, but no one actually accused me of having an eating disorder.

Looking back at pictures from that time, I looked healthy but you can clearly see I was carrying too much weight around my middle.

155 and Size 8/10:

At 155, I was just over the threshold for the overweight range for my BMI (25.8 in a range of 25–29.9).  The pictures are not flattering.  My 20 extra pounds show up in every one.  Unfortunately, they're my wedding pictures. 

180 and Size 12/14:

Then, there was the year and a half during which I made the huge jump from 155 to my present weight, which I shudder to share.  I worked constantly, skipping breakfast and lunch, then wolfing down a late drive-thru dinner.  As a new wife, I cleaned and did laundry when I wasn't working.  When I did sit to "relax," I ate in front of the TV or went to a restaurant with my husband.  There are pictures from that uphill climb.  I would rather there weren't.

This past year, I have taught myself to cook anything and everything.  The discovery that one can use a kitchen to make really, really good food has not exactly helped, although I have managed through random dieting to hold the line.

I also quit smoking.  Yay, lungs and heart!  Boo, scale! 

The Dreaded Plateau:

For this past year and despite the entire month I worked with a personal trainer three times a week, my BMI has been 30.  (Obesity is considered 30 or greater.) 

Thanks to age, recovering from two major abdominal surgeries and medications, I've had a really hard time taking the weight off.  It was unbelievably demoralizing to stick to a strict diet and workout schedule for the entire month of May, only to gain two pounds.  For those of you who claim that was muscle, I also gained inches around my waist.  I just couldn't motivate myself to get back to the gym after that.

Just recently, I've switched up my "cocktail" and resorted to a strict lowfat vegan diet, but I've been slipping up regularly.   I'm starting back at the gym this week.

A few people I've shared this with have claimed I don't need to lose weight.  My doctor is not one of them.

Guess what comments are back?

"Oh, you were too thin."

"Oh, you don't need to lose that much."

As lousy as I felt when I was thin and people were making snotty comments, it's ten billion times worse to have to assure people I AM fat. 

I'm 5'5".  Average women's clothing size be damned.  After a particularly horrid series of pictures, I spent this past summer hiding from cameras.  The fact that every phone has a camera is my personal nightmare.  That fact that every single picture is on facebook is like some bizarre fat kid penance.

Regardless of how I look, I feel tired all the time.  The sight of myself in a full-length mirror is depressing.  I involuntarily say, "Oof!" when I bend over to tie my shoes.  I almost burst into tears in a fitting room last week.  That's right.  Me.  I don't cry for anything if I can help it.

I fully acknowledge I eat waaaay too much and all of the wrong things.  Even though I can't use the "I don't have time" excuse, I still frequently skip breakfast, grab something quick for lunch and eat from the time my husband comes home from work until bedtime.  I'll eat a full portion of something to "try it," regardless of whether I'm actually hungry. 

It speaks to my nonexistent exercise level that my dog prefers car rides to walks.  I have all the time in the world to get to the gym.  I've just found new excuses. 

I need to lose weight for my health, for my appearance, and for my sanity. 

I'm going to lose weight and start living a healthier lifestyle in general.  A big part of that will be dismissing anyone who says any of the above comments to me.

The following conversation actually took place...

Husband:  "He asked what my favorite red was."

Me: "Did you say 'Killian's?'"

Husband:  "That would have been good.  What's your favorite red?"

Me: "Johnnie Walker."

The following conversation actually took place...

Me: Our hostas are so large, they look like hedges! Husband: Host-edges? Me:  Nice.

Recipe: Simple Tsatsiki Dressing

Kefir makes this a thinner sauce than traditional tsatsiki.  You can use it as a dressing for a simple sliced cucumber salad, or as a dip for pita bread or to pair with grilled chicken gyros... actually, I think it's good on just about anything!

Mise en Place:

1½ c lowfat plain kefir

½ c grated cucumber (not needed if used as a sauce for sliced cucumber salad)

Can add more to taste:
 
¼ tsp sea salt

¼ tsp freshly ground black pepper

½ tsp garlic powder

This one is pretty straight forward.  Mix all the ingredients and give the flavors a chance to marry while you cook the rest of your meal. 

To "grate" the cucumber, I used a vegetable peeler, then chopped it finer with knife- I happen to like my knuckles just the way they are, thanks.

You can make this ahead of time, but remember to use less seasoning and taste test before serving.  The quanitities of the seasonings will vary depending not only on your personal preference, but also on the time of year.

Auntie Jeanne's Germany

When my nephew was learning about where people live, he was a little confused by the fact that my sister lived in Germany.  In his mind, just as some people lived in houses and others lived in apartments, Auntie Jeanne lived in Germany. 

We tried to explain that he lived in America, etc., but his concept of Germany remained intact: Germany was where Auntie Jeanne lived and therefore one could only conclude that Germany belonged to Auntie Jeanne.

The kid had a point.

Germany was thereafter legally recognized by our family as "Auntie Jeanne's Germany," Bundesrepublik Deutschland be damned. 

my nephew eating at a bar

A few years ago, Auntie Jeanne brought home her German boyfriend.  He spoke some English, but lacked the confidence that comes from actually speaking a language outside of a classroom.  I initially admired his courage- native speakers have been overwhelmed by my gregarious family- but soon concluded he really didn't know what he was in for.

Upon first meeting him, my nephew plunked down next to him on the living room couch, studied him intently for a thirty seconds and asked, "Do you have toilets in your Germany?" 

Unsolicited, my nephew calmly explained to him that, "According to logic, you should wash your face before you wash your butt."

However belatedly recognized, the kid had a point.

Gott sei dank, that boyfriend has been an ex- for almost a year.

Future Auntie Jeanne boyfriends beware!

The following conversation actually took place...

Jeanne:  I worked on my sculpture.  It needs something, though.

Me: More cowbell?

Jeanne: Yeah.  Yeah, that's what it needs.

Happy Birthday to the World's Coolest Little Sister!

The following conversation actually took place....

Me: Strider didn't clean up like I asked him to. Really, the whole "dog as maid" thing isn't working out for me.

Husband: My primary concern with the dog-as-maid approach is the clear breach of my rule* against putting outfits on the dog.

*This rule is the direct result of my intense desire to buy this costume in a XXXXXLT and dress Strider up as "Dogdor."

http://www.amazon.com/Dog-Dinosaur-Halloween-Costume-Custome/dp/B000VO1090

For my mom and anyone else who has been deprived of the legend that is Trogdor: http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail58.html